If there is one thing I do commend myself during these dire times, it’s the fact that I never really stopped my prayers. I couldn’t get myself to talk about my deepest worries and fears with my mom; I know that she would have been accepting and encouraging, but I didn’t want her to see me in this state. Not yet. But there was someone I could talk to about what was keeping me tossing and turning.
This is the point where all I had left was God. I tried to do it on my own but it didn’t work. I had been trying to read the whole Bible within the year but that seemed like a superficial thing I was doing to impress others. I slipped in and out of reading the Bible for the right reasons. But thankfully, my prayers were a little different. There was nothing stopping me from pouring my heart out about the hurdles I was facing and seeking help.
Every day, I would check my Bible app for the ‘Verse of the Day’. And miraculously, those verses would always fit my situation perfectly and gave me the strength to live out that day with a little less worrying. For example, Isaiah 55:6 (Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near) gave me strength by telling me that God would listen to my call for help, guiding me on the right path so that I would not fall.
Then there’s Deuteronomy 31:6 (Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you) — after receiving this verse, I could not stop myself from crying. Even if I had nothing to offer, God promised not to leave me, nor forsake me for the wrongful things I have done. He has told me to be courageous in front of the things that terrify me because he is with me.
These are just an inkling of the variety of messages that were given to me, in order to pull me out of the state I was in. And knowing that God would not give up on me, I decided that I could change and that right now, I had to build from the ground up once again.